Powdered Sugar Problems
by donutsweeper
Summary: Alien Donuts come through the rift and affect those who eat them. A series of drabbles. Crack!fic.
1. Chapter 1

"What the bloody hell..." Owen said, entering the Hub. It looked like a tornado hit. Papers were scattered everywhere. Clothing too. Covering everything was a layer of ... powdered sugar?

Gun out, Owen approached the conference room, drawn by the murmur of voices. "I'm coming in."

"Owen?" Jack was sprawled over a giggling Tosh, licking sugar off her back. "Want a donut? They just came through the rift."

Owen ignored whatever Ianto and Gwen were doing under the table. "And you ate them? Without waiting for me to test them?"

"And let them get cold?" Jack sounded horrified. "Are you crazy?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Owen? What's this?"

Owen put the box he was carrying down. "Just thought I'd pick up some donuts on my way to work this morning. Really, you'd think this was the first time a guy did something nice for his teammates or something. What kind of person do you take me for, Jack?"

Jack crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway. "Owen, I happen to know where that bakery is actually located. You didn't really think I wouldn't recognize those donuts, did you? The rift make another delivery this morning?"

Owen blushed brightly in response.

"Excellent." Jack said, grinning.


	3. Chapter 3

Whatever Owen had intended to have happen by sneaking the box of alien donuts into the Hub was thwarted when the alarms for the cells went off just as Jack received a phone call from UNIT. Owen sighed, gave the donuts a long look before plunking them down on the table and ran to see what caused the alert this time.

An hour later he returned to the conference room. "Stupid alarms! That's the third time this week that moisture set them off! Moisture! Jack, when are we..." But no one was listening, as they were all otherwise engaged. "Damn it!"


	4. Chapter 4

Owen carefully collected samples. He gathered together every scrap, every crumb, every surviving powdered sugar and donut molecule he could get his hands on. He was _going_to find out why those damned alien donuts were aphrodisiacs. 

Just to satisfy his own curiosity, of course.

He ran every test he could think of, using every piece of equipment in the lab, and many he'd snitched out of the archives when Ianto wasn't looking.

And found nothing.

They were donuts. Just donuts. And the powdered sugar was...sucrose, nothing that he couldn't pick up at the local shop.

He was... confused.


	5. Chapter 5

"Jack, what the hell is going on?" Owen barreled into Jack's office, shouting. "Did you really think I wouldn't run tests? That I wouldn't try to figure it out?" He poked Jack in the chest several times. "Alien sex donuts my arse! You tell me what the hell happened now, and I mean right now, or..." But the threat died in his throat when he saw the look on Jack's face.

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Owen?"

"Yeah, Jack?"

"You didn't test pheromone levels?" Jack shook his head. "Seriously?"

Owen smacked himself on the forehead and ran back to his lab.


	6. Chapter 6

Owen practically flew back to the lab.

Pheromone levels! Jack was right, that was what had he missed! Of course he needed to test the pheromone levels, how the hell could he have been stupid enough to not even consider testing them?

But now he would. Just one quick test and he'll have figured out what made those damned donuts so special. All he had to do was...

Wait a second...

Where the hell did the samples go?

How could he test pheromone levels without samples?

Bloody stupid alien sex donuts were not going to get the best of him!


	7. Chapter 7

"Jack... what's all this?" Tosh asked, staring at the food on the conference table.

"Thanksgiving dinner! We've got turkey, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and bread pudding."

"You made us dinner?" Owen was shocked.

"Of course!" Jack didn't even try to keep the indignation out of his voice. "And it took forever to find some of the ingredients, so you better appreciate it!"

"Very kind of you, Sir," Ianto said. "It looks delicious."

Jack beamed. "Wait till you try the bread pudding. There's a secret ingredient that makes it special."

"Why does that worry me?" Tosh whispered to Ianto.

* * *

Author's Note: I realize the UK doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, but the opportunity for Jack to prepare "Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding with Butter Rum Sauce" (as found at for the team was too good to pass up. 


	8. Chapter 8

Owen pushed the food around on his plate. It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't particularly good either. The turkey was dry and there wasn't any gravy. The green beans were squeaky, the black bits in the stuffing tasted odd, and bread pudding? He'd always hated the stuff.

He looked up when Tosh commented about it being warm in the room. The others seemed to be rather enjoying the meal. Ianto looked lost in a blissful fog and Gwen was doing something with her turkey drumstick that should be illegal.

Wait a minute, what was secret ingredient in the pudding?


	9. Chapter 9

"So... Jack." Owen hovered in the doorway to the conference room. "About those donuts..."

Jack was going through a mountain of requisition requests. "Hmm?" was his distracted response.

"The donuts?"

"Not hungry, thanks. I'd love a coffee though."

"Jack! Focus, damn it!" Owen practically screamed. "The donuts that came through the rift. The _special_donuts. Alien donuts. Those donuts!"

"Right. Those. What? Have the others finished that batch that arrived earlier?"

"More came through?" Owen yelped, running off, "later Jack! "

Jack just shook his head. Owen seemed awfully stressed these days, the poor boy really needed to learn to relax more.


	10. Chapter 10

Owen scoured the Hub. He looked in the archives, the cells, the stairwell, the supply closet, even all the drawers in autopsy, but he couldn't find the others or the donuts Jack claimed they had.

Then he heard a noise from Jack's office. It was empty, but the entrance to his sleeping quarters below was cracked open.

"Hello?" He shouted down.

"Owen?" Ianto called back. "Do you need something?"

Owen climbed down. "Just seeing what you were all doing down here."

"Oh." Gwen held out a feather duster. "Just dusting."

"So _that's_ what we're calling it now?" Tosh asked, laughing.


	11. Chapter 11

"Owen?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"What are doing?"

"Nothing."

"Really? That's odd. It looks like you're messing about with the rift monitor."

"Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing."

"You do?"

"You don't have to sound so surprised."

"Surprised? No, not surprised. I'm still waiting for an explanation though."

"I'm just tweaking its programming a bit."

"Tweaking? Why?"

"No reason."

"Owen!"

"I'm just adding in an extra alert."

"An alert?"

"...totellmewhendonutscomethrough..."

"Sorry?"

"To tell me when donuts come through."

"Oh."

"Hey, they are dangerous! We need to keep track of them!"

"..."

" Jack, you okay? Your face is red. Are you... laughing?"


	12. Chapter 12

The trills, warbles, caws and shrieks were annoying Owen. He stalked out of autopsy, shouting, "can't someone make that stupid pterodactyl shut up?" Gwen and Tosh looked at each other, at him, and then up at Myfanwy before dissolving into laughter.

"What's so funny?" Owen asked nervously.

"Nothing," Gwen managed, in between snickers.

Owen looked from Gwen's red face to Tosh's controlled smirk. "Come on, what happened?"

"Myfanwy got into the donuts." Tosh replied.

"So?"

"They weren't... regular donuts." Gwen mumbled.

"She ate alien donuts? We are so screwed!"

"Let's hope not." Tosh squeaked out before the hysteria overwhelmed her.


	13. Chapter 13

Owen couldn't believe it.

An entire box of donuts, freshly arrived through the rift, and all his. Clutching the box tightly, he began to plan. Tests. With enough tests he might figure out what caused the donuts' effects, and then if he could manufacture it, he'd be a millionaire. No, a billionaire!

Tosh broke through his musings. "Owen? Gwen and I are going to be stuck here for awhile bringing the files up to date, so I'm going to pick us up something to eat. Want anything?"

"Actually," Owen began, "I've a box of donuts and I'm happy to share..."


	14. Chapter 14

Owen lay naked, except for one sock, on the stairs. It was cold, but he felt too damn good, and utterly drained, to move.

Rift donuts were _amazing_. He'd already known how inventive Gwen could be, but that thing Tosh did with her tongue? That was inspired.

A shadow loomed over him. "You're too late, Jack. Me and the girls finished the donuts. And, no, I don't feel a bit of remorse."

At the clearing of a throat Owen opened his eyes to see a four armed alien wearing a chef's hat. Holding what looked like a bill. Oh, shite.


End file.
